Turned To Stone

This story won bronze in the Best Post category in the 2005 Canadian Blog Awards

Reprinted by permission from The Postmodern Times, Utopia, NW

by Sass B. Snarky

Inspired by the resounding success of their recent installation of a statue of Elizabeth Montgomery, star of the 1960s television series Bewitched, in a park in Salem, Massachussetts, executives at U.S. cable television network TV Land today announced that they have entered negotiations with NASA to erect a statue of Larry Hagman at Cape Kennedy.

"As everyone in America knows, Mr. Hagman played an astronaut on I Dream Of Jeannie, another beloved 1960s television series," said Larry Jones, president of TV Land. "At TV Land we firmly believe that honouring television actors by placing their likenesses in American towns of historical significance will augment the cultural sensibilities of both residents and tourists alike."

Critics have called the TV Land initiative, which also saw a statue of Mary Tyler Moore placed in Minneapolis, the city in which her fictional 1970s television series was set, nothing more than crass commercialism.

"That's absurd," Jones responded. "This is a project of national importance. It's a tribute to all Americans who watch television."

Indeed, the timing of the Bewitched installation, which coincided with last Friday's release of the movie Bewitched, starring Nicole Kidman and Will Ferrell, has also fallen under criticism. Some say it was a public relations stunt designed to capitalize on the media frenzy surrounding the movie and the rumoured romance between the two Hollywood stars.

"Nonsense," said Jones, "This project has been in the works for more than three months, and with the full cooperation of the town of Salem. I don't take orders from Hollywood."

Projects like Jones's could be a new revenue opportunity for cash-strapped tourist towns all over America. "When TV Land approached us with their offer to pay us to place the statue of Elizabeth Montgomery in our town common, we jumped at the offer," said Salem mayor Stanley Usovicz. Everyone in town was thrilled with the idea," he added.

Though financial details of the arrangement were not disclosed, Mayor Usovicz did say that revenues from the ten year contract with TV Land will be put toward parkland improvements in the town. Experts estimate the deal to be valued in the four figure range.

"It's, like, so sad that Elizabeth isn't alive to see this," said Erin Murphy, who played baby Tabitha Stephens on the show, which ran from 1964 to 1972, and who was present at the unveiling last Tuesday. "I'm sure she would feel totally happy. I wish I were dead, so they'd put a statue of me somewhere."

Elizabeth Montgomery died in 1995.

When asked which town she'd pick, if she had a choice, Murphy replied, "Wow, that's a tough one. Maybe somewhere in Connecticut, since that's where the Stephens family was supposed to live. I'm not sure which town, though. I was just a baby, remember. Oh, or maybe somewhere in New York City, since that's where Tabitha's father, Darrin Stephens, worked."

Murphy might find herself in competition with her fictional father there. Jones hinted that TV Land has been approached by top New York advertising agency, Ogilvy & Mather. The firm is reportedly interested in placing a statue of "Darrin" in the parkette in front of their worldwide head office on West 49th Street. "He's the most famous fictional advertising man in America," said Nona Serius, Director of Public Relations for Ogilvy & Mather. "We'd love to be the ones to make that cultural link between the world of real advertising and television."

A source inside the agency revealed, "The hold-up right now is the board of directors can't decide whether the statue should be of Dick York or Dick Sargent."

When asked whether it was a requirement for the actor who played the fictional character to be dead, Jones replied, "I wouldn't say it's absolutely a requirement, it's more of a respect for tradition. All the greatest statues are of dead people."

What's next for Jones? "As long as this nostalgia craze for classic TV shows continues, there's no end to the possibilities," he said. "I can see a statue of Russell Johnson, who played the Professor on Gilligan's Island, in the quad at Harvard. I'm fairly certain he's dead."

Editor's note: Just before this story went to press our reporter was informed by sources that Larry Hagman is not dead yet. Officials at NASA were unavailable for comment, and calls to TV Land representatives were not immediately returned.

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In the next story, Postmodern Sass is nearly turned to stone by her handsome neighbour.