My Dingaling [redux]

Zee had a goodbye present for me, a gorgeous black and white photo of her Weimaraner, Gracie, and so we went to The Banknote. Lulu was there, as usual, and she tells us she has a new cell phone.

"Again?" I ask.

"Just tell me your number. I lost everyone's, and now when people call me I don't answer because I don't know who they are."

"Again, I must ask: again?"

She sighs.

This time, she explains, it was lost. Well, stolen, at the boozecan.

"So you know how there are co-ed washrooms, and half of them don't even have doors to the stall? There's this guy trying to use his phone, swearing at it, and me, being the nice person that I am, offer to let him use mine. I mean, we're in a bathroom, where's he going to go, right?"

"Can you see where this is going?" I ask Zee.

"The next thing I know, he's disappeared with it! I go running to the front, and ask the bouncer where he went, but no one knows. So, gone. Poof. There goes my phone. By now someone's talking to their great aunt in Beijing on my phone," sighs Lulu.

She's only had this phone for five months. Her last one fell into the toilet.

"Tell Zee about the last time," I suggest, and so she begins:

"My bathroom is my office."

Zee looks puzzled, but patient. I had told her about Lulu's stories. She knew to be wary, and duck if necessary.

"I have one of those long counter tops, the kind that goes right over the top of the toilet, you know? And there's stuff all over it. Makeup, papers. I don't have a desk," she explains. "You know those little reverse-divots on that back of your phone? Well, they sure do slide easily. My phone was on vibrate and by the time I got to it to answer it... well, thank goodness I had just scrubbed the toilet the day before, so it wasn't too gross to reach in and pull it out."

We are laughing, and that's OK, because Lulu tells stories to make you laugh.

"I put it on the counter, on a towel, and dried it with my hairdryer a little, then let it sit to see what would happen, and what happened was, it turns itself on and starts randomly calling people in my address book! It's calling The Banknote at 8:00 in the morning! It's calling England! Stop, stop! Fuck; stop it!!"

Zee is ducking now.

"So I took the battery out."

Lulu's got a new boyfriend, who looks just like Gary Sinise, but I'll tell you about him later. I'm supposed to be here to console Zee, who's broken up with Darryl again.

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Next on Postmodern Sass: a photo of Sass and her karaoke buddies.