Vitajex, what 'cha doin' to me?

Let me try to explain.

About the Mary Tyler Moore thing, that is, not about the song title, though it comes from the absofuckinglutely brilliant movie, "A Face In The Crowd."


Let me explain what it's like here, for me.

When every single part of your life, the people, the money, the newspapers, the music, the food, the traffic signs, the shampoo, the beer (oh, god, the beer!), even the television commercials, suddenly changes, it is not fun. It is not exciting.

When you are on vacation in a foreign country, all those things that are different from home are part of what makes it interesting. And you can afford to take an interest in them because, like a museum patron studying an avant garde painting, you may find it atrocious, but you need not take it home and hang it in your livingroom.

I've taken California home and hung it in my livingroom.

Don't mistake my meaning, I don't find it atrocious. Quite the contrary: it's beautiful, when viewed in the right light. I am, for example, thrilled by the sheer novelty of encountering palm trees every day. I am delighted that the star of my favourite movie is governating the state. The Pacific Ocean is spectacular, and though I don't see it every day, the way I used to see my lake, because it's half an hour away, it's only half an hour away! The god-damned Pacific Ocean is only half an hour from where I live!

The language is 95% the same, and while that makes adjustment easier, somehow it adds to the surreality of the situation. But I have learned a great deal about America in general and California in particular in the seven weeks that I've lived here.

I learned, for example, to say, "To get there, you take 101 north," rather than "the 101 north," a verbal tic I'm told will make people think I'm from southern California. I've learned that the people of northern California have very definite opinions about the people of southern California, and I'm given to understand that the reverse is also true.

I understand that the nickname, The Golden State, comes from the endless vistas of dried brown grass on the hills, which are lovely in their own way, I suppose.

And I hear it doesn't snow here. From everyone I meet.

But back to the television commercials, one of the more surprising differences I've noticed. I had no doubt they would be more conservative and less subtle than Canadian commercials, but somehow I expected them to be better than they are. Perhaps it's because, as a professor of marketing, I am well aware of the annual brouhaha surrounding the commercials debuted during the Super Bowl, and I thought that the advertising I'd encounter during other times of the year would be, if not great, at least occasionally... good. I have found this not to be the case. Every second television commercial I see goes something like this:

There's a five second scene of average-looking people doing average sorts of things. One of the average-looking people says, "I owe it all to Vitajex!" Then, for the remaining 55 seconds, while in the background the average people continue doing their average things, a voice-over disclaims all the disclaimers:

Talk to your doctor before taking Vitajex. Vitajex may not be suitable for all diets. If you are black, white, Hispanic, Asian, or Native American you should not take Vitajex. Vitajex is not recommended for vegetarians, vegans, diabetics, or people who eat meat. If you are over four feet tall or under 95 years of age, you should not take Vitajex. Vitajex may contain minute traces of uranium, arsenic, E. coli, mercury, shards of glass, or spinach. Consume at your own risk. If you are pregnant, you should not take Vitajex. If you have ever been pregnant, you should not take Vitajex. If you have never been pregnant, you should not take Vitajex. Men over the age of seven who take Vitajex may experience side effects such as bloating, water gain, swollen feet, weight loss, weight gain, hair loss, dry skin, dandruff, earwax buildup, acne, warts, athlete's foot, hives, runny nose, or spina bifida. The preceeding information has been brought to you by the makers of Vitajex in accordance with the Article 4.3.7-a of Proposition 42 of the great state of California.

The photo of my cat, Pinky, is brought to you in honour of Catmas, and because Pinky spends a lot of time in that box, and lately I've been wishing I could join him. In the next story Postmodern Sass discovers weasels with Internet access and, later that night decides to watch the San Jose Sharks hockey game.