Lovely spam, wonderful spam

I'm not sure whether this is spam. It sounds vaguely like a bizarre yet sincere fan letter:

Just wishing you well, since
the gist of you,
from scanning a bit of your blog,
is much worth well-wishes. . .

Also, a tip, from one who values carefully horrified words, to another. . .

Right-Means matter!

And now for something completely different:

It Sucks [part II]

Actually, this one doesn't suck.

Er; well, rather, it does. The way a vacuum cleaner is supposed to, that is.

Where did I get it, the Gentle Reader asks?

Ebay, of course.

In the next story, Postmodern Sass is in a connundrum with a student.

It Sucks

Welcome to HomeClick.com Please wait for an operator to respond.

You are now chatting with 'Daniella'

Your Issue ID for this chat is LTK69010057308X

Daniella: Hello. My name is Daniella. How can I help you?

Sass: Can you tell me if you have the Miele S183 vacuum cleaner in stock? Every other website says it is unavailable.

Daniella: One moment please, while I check on that item for you.

Daniella: The lead time for the item you are inquiring about is approximately 2-3 business days.

Sass: Are you sure? As I said, every other website says there are production delays at the manufacturer, and that the product won't be available for months. I want to verify that you have it in stock. I don't want to order it and then be told there will be delays.

Daniella: As per our website the lead time is 2-3 business days.

Sass: I know it says on your website that it normally ships in 2-3 days. I can read. I am asking you to check on the stock availability.

Daniella: You can call into our Sales Department and they can verify if we have this item in stock and the actual lead time it will take to ship to you.

Sass: I prefer to communicate online, that's why I'm talking to you. You are supposed to be the customer service person. Why can't you answer my question?

Daniella: One moment please sir.

Daniella: If the order is placed today it usually takes 24 hours for the order to process and once the order is processed it will ship within 2-3 business days. Therefore turnaround time before the item is shipped out to you is 3-5 business days.

Sass: You're still not answering my question. You are giving me the general information that's on the website. What you've said is only accurate if the item is actually in stock. I am asking you to verify that, for this product, today, right now, the information you just gave me is accurate.

Sass: If the item is in stock I will order it right now, and expect to receive it in approximately 3-5 days. I do not want to order it and then be told that it will not be available until March. As I've told you, every other website that sells vacuum cleaners online is saying they are out of stock, that there are production delays with the manufacturer, and that this product will not be available until March.

Daniella: Unfortunately ma'am if you would like to confirm that we do have this item in stock you can call into our Sales Department as they are better equipped to answer your question.

Sass: Aren't you the customer service department? I'm asking a simple customer service question. If you can't answer it, I will simply move on to the next vendor, and buy my vacuum cleaner elsewhere.

Daniella: As per our website it is stating that this item ships out within 2-3 business days. This is an answer that is unacceptable to you and our Sales Department has access to checking if items are in fact available that is why I am directing you to call them. They will be better able to assist you and provide you with a more accurate lead time.

Sass: Thank you. I will buy my vacuum cleaner elsewhere.

Her house may be dusty but Sass comes home to new bedding and a nice warm kitty cat. Later, one of Sass's heroes finds this story, and links to it. Thank you, Seth Godin!

He's strong to the finish, 'cause he eats his spinach

Have I mentioned I'm keeping my condo when I move to California, and renting it out, furnished, and so I have to do a bit of fixing so it "shows well?" Real estate agent talk.

Today I'm hanging a towel bar in the upstairs bathroom, which I just finished painting. And I've just come from borrowing Boz's drill.

Go ahead. I know what you're thinking.

In the next story, Postmodern Sass visits her mother-in-law.

California Dreamin' [part VII]

Continued from part VI. To read this story from the beginning, go here.

Wednesday, April 26
on board United 719 to San José

"United 7-1-9 contact Denver centre on 1-2-0 point 5-7-5."
"United 7-1-9, 2-0-5-7-5, good day."

Jack's told me more than once, with little boy excitement in his voice, that when he's on a United flight, which is several times a week, normally, he listens to channel 9 on the in-flight entertainment system. Chanel 9 is the cockpit. You can hear the pilot's conversations with air traffic control. Not just the pilot of your flight, but the pilot of every plane within range, and the range is several hundred miles.

"United 5-0-2 request level 3-5-0."
"Salt Lake, United 5-0-2, good morning."
"United 5-0-2 descend to level 3-5-0."
"5-0-2 Salt Lake, roger."

The calls to and from Denver are decreasing in frequency, and I'm starting to hear from air traffic control in Salt Lake City.

Jack is on his way there today, to visit a client company. Everyone at the client company is Mormon. Everyone in Salt Lake City is Mormon, so that's no surprise. Jack used to tell me stories about them: the way they dress, the way they speak, their bizarre culture that, for example, requires you to become a "member" of a bar before you can have a drink there.

Once, he told me the story of how he told Peter the story of what happened in Salt Lake City on a day when the client was very happy with Jack's work: "So I was talking to Peter and I said, hey man, you'll never guess what they let me do, and Peter replied, Their wives?"

Peter is a master of the one-liner.

"They let me play their organ."

The clever Gentle Reader will imagine Peter's riposte.

"Air Canada 5-7-5, require level 3-2-0."
"Air Canada 5-7-5, Salt Lake, good morning."

While I understand perfectly why Jack would want to listen to this—he has a love affair with planes— I couldn't imagine why I would. But today's in-flight movie is The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, a film which I could not possibly be less interested in watching, and the too-loud conversation of the passengers directly behind me has prompted me to put on the headphones and search for something to drown them out.

Soon, I become fascinated with the challenge of decoding the air traffic control language.

"mumble...mumble... unintelligible... clear direct sage"

I hear the phrase "clear direct sage" several times, but cannot discern what it means.

"November seven two hotel golf, clear direct Iowa City."
"Roger, two hotel golf."

Then I realize Sage must be the name of an airport, and air traffic control was telling the flights they had a clear path, and should proceed directly to it—in as few words as possible.

The movie I'm not watching is showing a scene in which the children appear to be having dinner with Frank and Gordon, the new spokesbeavers for Bell Canada.

"United 5-0-2, traffic at twelve o'clock, two miles east on 7-2-0."
"Denver Centre, we have them in sight."

"Have you ever seen the movie Pushing Tin?" I asked Jack, once.

"Of course."

Jack owns nearly a thousand DVDs. They've been in storage since January, when he decided to sweep his life clean and get out of his South San Francisco apartment. He's been living in hotels all over Silicon Valley since then, and shopping for a house on one of the hills in the City. When he finds one, he'll be commuting down to the Valley, to Big Ass American Software Company, half way to San José. But none of that matters, you see, because Jack's been closest to me emotionally when he was 3,000 miles away, and farthest from me when we lived ten blocks apart. He'll keep me exactly as far away as he chooses, regardless of where my GPS is.

On Friday night Jack will pick me up in Beauty, and I'll tell him that I listened to the air traffic controllers, and he'll laugh, and say, "What's great is when one of them does something really stupid, or really nice. Then they use ten words instead of seven."

"November five four foxtrot tango tango, contact Salt Lake Centre."
"Tango, tango, Salt Lake."
"Tango, giving you lats longs to avoid military airspace."
"Go ahead, Salt Lake."
"Proceed direct Wilson Creek 0-9-5 at 0-4-0."
"Thank you, Salt Lake."
"You have a good day, Tango."

To be continued in part VIII

Games People Play

The other night I was watching my favourite show, Lost, the best show on television, and I had a Killing Me Softly moment.

I've always known that songs can do that to you, but this is the first time a TV show did it to me.

* * *
A boar has twice attacked Sawyer, causing Sawyer to believe that the boar is out to get him; that it's personal. Sawyer decides to hunt the boar, but tracking is not one of his skills. Kate offers to help, on the condition that Sawyer grant her "carte blanche," that is, anytime she wants anything from his stash, he has to give it to her, no questions asked. He agrees. Darkness falls, no boar has been found, and so Sawyer and Kate make camp for the night.

Sawyer cracks open a tiny plane-size liquor bottle, and drinks from it.

Kate: "Where'd you get that?"

Sawyer: "Plane."

Kate: "Got any more?"

Sawyer: "I got lots more. Of everything."

Kate: "Are you going to give me one?"

Sawyer laughs. Considers.

Sawyer: "All right, Sassafras, you want a drink, you gotta play."

Kate: "Play what?"

Sawyer: "I never."

Kate: "What's that?"

Sawyer: "Call it a way to get to know each other better. For example, I know you never been to college."

Kate: "What makes you say that?"

Sawyer: "'Cause if you had, you'd know about I never."

Kate: "All right, how do you play?"

Sawyer: "It's simple. You say I never, then you finish the sentence. If it's something you did, you drink. If it's something you didn't do, you don't drink."

Kate: "Sounds complicated."

Sawyer: "Learn by example: I never kissed a man. Now you drink, because you have kissed a man."

Sawyer is smirking as he says this, because Kate kissed him in last week's episode. Under duress. At his request, as part of a bargain. But still.

Kate drinks.

Kate: "I never implied I'd been to college."

Sawyer drinks.

Sawyer: "I never been to Disneyland."

Kate shrugs.

Sawyer: "Now that's just sad!"

Kate: "I never wore pink."

Sawyer drinks. Kate laughs.

Kate: "I knew it!"

Sawyer: "I never voted Democrat."

Kate: "I never voted."

Sawyer drinks.

Sawyer: "I never been married."

Kate hesitates, then drinks. Sawyer is surprised.

Kate: "It didn't last very long. I never blamed a boar for all my problems."

Sawyer drinks.

Sawyer: "I never pretended I cared about having carte blanche because I wanted to spend time with someone."

Kate drinks. They sit in silence for a while.

Sawyer: "I never killed a man."

Kate hesitates, then drinks. Sawyer hesitates, then drinks.

Sawyer: "Well, looks like we have something in common after all."

* * *
It's more than just him calling her Sassafras.

* * *
In the next story, Postmodern Sass and Ned's Atomic Dustbin reflect on Jack's recent vacation. Later, when season three of Lost begins, Postmodern Sass wonders if she's falling out of love with her favourite show.

You Spin Me Right 'Round

Note: The zebra has moved here.

When I was in grade seven my homeroom teacher, Mr. Whitty, gave us a puzzle to work on before first period. It was titled, "Who Owns The Zebra." It kept us all occupied for those fifteen minutes, but not one of the thirty twelve-year-olds in that classroom solved it by the time the bell rang.

I held onto it for weeks. I puzzled and puzzled until my puzzler was sore. And eventually, I solved it.

I think the Norwegian owned the zebra. I forget who drank the water.

You can find anything on the Internet, this I know, so today I Googled "who owns the zebra" and discovered that it's a rather famous logic puzzle. And here I thought Mr. Whitty had created it just for us!

The version I remember from all those years ago involved the nationality, house colour, pet, preferred beverage, and — wait for it — preferred cigarette brand of seven men living in adjacent houses. Cigarette brand! How politically incorrect. But it was the 1970s.

The versions of the puzzle you'll find online now have been edited. Gone are the cigarettes. Now, it's flowers or some such nonsense.

I found this one from Britain, but the cigarettes are British. The one I remember, the cigarettes are American brands. I distinctly remember Lucky Strike. Not that I knew what they were at the time.

In previous posts I've mentioned that you don't exactly have to twist my arm to get me to sing. Or do anything in front of an audience, for that matter. I'm a regular at KAK at both the Rivoli and the Bovine. At Accordion Guy's party I spent too much time in the front room, where the karaoke machine was. Accordion Guy has this extravagent system that plays cheesy stock footage video and still images behind the lyrics. And when the song is over it gives you a score. I got 100 twice!

My karaoke equivalent of a bar trick is singing "9 Luftballons" in German.

And so it is in memory of Mr. Whitty of Jacob Beam Senior Public School in Beamsville, Ontario that I offer the following puzzle featuring my karaoke buddies.

See if you can figure out which one is Mo, which one is Sparky, and which one is Goldilocks.

1. One sings Dead Or Alive.
2. Two blog; the third thinks blogging is pretentious.
3. Two sing David Bowie.
4. One is a ham.
5. One would be chided by Simon Cowell for closing his eyes while he sings.
6. One leaves the room when anyone else sings David Bowie.
7. All three are shorter than me.
8. One has a British accent.
9. One sings Wicked Game, which causes me think un-buddy-like thoughts.
10. I leave the room when one sings Elton John.
11. Two are not blonde.
12. The one who doesn't blog is the most pretentious of the three.
13. One kills with Mac The Knife.
14. The one who sings Chris Isaak has a girlfriend.
15. The blonde one sings You Spin Me 'Round.

Today Mr. Whitty would be in his late fifties, early sixties maybe. He might still be teaching. Maybe even at Jacob Beam Public School.

* * *
In the next story, Postmodern Sass has tickets to the CASBYs, but no date. In the coming months there will be more stories about Postmodern Sass and her karaoke buddies. Like this one, in which there is a karaoke spat. Or this one, on Valentine's Day. Or this one, in which Postmodern Sass learns that Vikings and karaoke don't mix. And almost two years later, you can see all three of Postmodern Sass's karaoke buddies — and her! — in this photo.